I have a confession to make.
Some days, life gets a little lonely here at the Kitchen Overlord lair. Sure, I can always make a few minions fight it out in our Thunderdome cage with nothing to defend themselves but week old stale baguettes and half a dozen durian fruits, but their pleas for mercy only make me long for a novel form of false companionship.
Luckily, I discovered a variety of subscription boxes that deliver to sewer grates at the base of an extinct volcano. Each little package is like receiving a neatly wrapped threat from an old nemesis, except they’re stuffed with tasty delights instead of an absinthe and anthrax soaked handkerchief.
$13.37 + $6 S&H
Loot Crate describes it’s subscription boxes as “epic geek and gamer gear.” You get a discreet black box stuffed with 6-8 products including toys, comics, stickers, t-shirts, and food. Recent theme months have included Doctor, Excelsior, and Infinity. Retail value is about double the actual price of your crate. It’s like getting a surprise package from Geek Santa once a month.
$24 + $5 S&H
Despite their pirate-tastic site theme, Booty Bin actually ships you a random assemblage of geeky stocking stuffers. Their subscription box costs $10 more each month than Loot Crate, but they promise 7-10 items to make the extra scratch worth it. Honestly, the products don’t seem as well curated or as high quality as Loot Crate.
$10 + $2 S&H
If you’re reading Kitchen Overlord, you’ve almost certainly inhaled entire boxes of Pocky sticks before cursing the mercurial gods of tasty foreign foods for making them so irresistably delicious. If you’ve ever wondered what secret snacks you’re missing out on, Dumpling Box has come to your rescue by shipping you a monthly selection of Asian snack foods picked to tickle the American palette.
This box isn’t cheap, but it is hands down the best option for classing up your lair. They send you half a dozen full sized items cloaked in manly labels harkening back to an era when presidents like Teddy Roosevelt fought bears before breakfast. Expect plenty of bourbon, bacon, and meat products, plus classic cocktail mixes.
$19.99 + $7.95 S&H
This looks like a fun way to taunt the minions. Once a month, I can give them a totally random selection of survivalist goods then enjoy the fear as they ponder how the heck they’re going to use this stuff. Bug Out Box bills it’s subscription box as a way to “Increase your chance of surviving the wilderness, urban riots, or the zombie Apocalypse.” Zombies are terrified of hand warmers and water purification tablets, or they will be after my next few experiments.
$20 + $5 S&H
Let’s be honest. Unusual digestive systems are as common among geeks as unlicensed Hero of Canton hats. A diverse selection of minions will inevitably include several who can’t digest gluten. I developed a nutritious paste designed for optimal physical health, but they insisted suffering from a leaky gut was less torture. You just can’t help some people. I’ve experimentally signed them up for this gluten free subscription box in an attempt to learn what they consider an acceptable alternative to my paste.
$19.97 + $6.98 S&H
Sprig’s monthly subscription box isn’t just gluten free. It’s also organic and vegan. I find this approach fascinating since I am certain filling my body with preservatives will allow me to live forever. The minions insist they’re willing to risk their health by experimenting with products made from things you can find at a grocery store instead of in a well stocked chemistry lab. I’ll never understand them.
Some of the minions have grown so attached to our experimental animals that they refuse to eat anything made from meat. I’ve assured them neither the Octo-Donkey nor the Squidken make acceptable pets. Heck, the mutant slime mold growing in Tank 7 doesn’t even have a central nervous system. They remain obstinate. The Vegan Cuts monthly subscription box gives them something to snack on so they’ll stop stealing all the gluten free food from the minions with celiac disease.
Even minions who view tentacled meat as a tasty Tuesday surprise need an occasional snack. The Paleo Pax subscription box is full of grain alternatives like seaweed pasta, almond meal cookies, and trail mix made entirely from nuts and seeds. Most of their products happen to be gluten free, and a surprising number of them are actually vegan, so if you enjoy pitting your minions against one another, you can put this box in the middle of your Thunderdome arena each month and make all three groups fight for it.