After the mayhem, carnage, and violence I unleashed upon tossing the Vegan Cuts subscription box into our basement Thunderdome, I became as hungry for more action as you are for more “snacks.” Therefore, minions, I can not begin to express how incredibly disappointed I was with The Jungle Stand’s “Tasting Bar.” One look inside and I knew none of you would fight for the contents of this box.
For reasons I can’t begin to fathom, The Jungle Stand decided to send us a box of spoiled soft cheeses. This package didn’t arrive on a refrigerated truck. I’m not sure what logic train led them to believe cream cheese and the postal service were a good mix, but you can bet it leaves from crazytown and can take you to all the way to the magical land of food poisoning.
I did my best to take every photo from the most flattering possible angle in the vain hope I could persuade some hapless minion to sample it. Sadly, photos can’t properly convey the full horror of the smell. You could weaponize the horrors of spoiled blue cheese and olives. Even when offered fully sealed mystery packets, the minions informed me that if I needed copious quantities of vomit for any nefarious experiments, there were more humane ways to acquire it.
I can now say with authority that The Jungle Stand’s Tasting Bar is the single worst food sample box on the market. There are quite a few better ones out there. I suggest you try any of them.
I wonder if they confused “e coli” with “umami.” Vowels are tricky.
Y’aar mateys! This pirate themed adventure was meant to take your bowels on a historically accurate journey!
The red mini peppers stuffed with cream cheese and canola oil came with a pack of saltine crackers and a pair of tongs. The saltines were the only edible thing in the box.
The South African sweet picante peppers were also stuffed with more cream cheese and canola oil, because at The Jungle Stand, imagination has no limits
If you like cream cheese and red peppers, have some more of it – this time stuffed inside a mushroom cap. After opening this bag, I practically snorted perfume samples in a desperate, doomed attempt to pry the scent out of my skull. I fear the lingering horror will stay imprinted on my brain forever.
This package of olives and feta was the second least horrifying thing in the box. No one was brave enough to eat it, but the smell didn’t kill nearby birds.
Since they had already given us mushrooms, olives, and cream cheese, they thought it’d be fun to mix all three of them into a weapon of culinary destruction.