Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 16: Return of the Sandworm

Kitchen Overlord Sandworm Cinnamon Rolls

While I did indeed make a loaf of bread a day during the Bitchin’ Bread Battle, between daily baking, some semblance of a social life, and that pesky day job I didn’t have time to write about everything I made. Now that I’ve indulged in my love of Star Trek and Iron Man, it’s time to post all these waiting bread recipes.

First, for those of you who’ve been waiting, it’s time we return to Arrakis.

SANDWORM DOUGH:

1 1/2 cup warm water
2 tbsp yeast
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 tbsp cinnamon
3 eggs
¼ cup melted butter
2 tsp salt
6 ½ – 7 cups bread flour

SPICE FILLING:

2 tbsp pumpkin pie spice
1 tsp cinnamon
1 cup sugar (brown sugar optional)
1/4 cup melted butter
sliced blanched almonds

GLAZE:

½ cup powdered sugar
¼ cup water
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp vanilla

So many things went wrong with my first sandworm that the Fremen threw me out of the sietch. Look at this monstrosity.

Kitchen Overlord - Sandworm Bread

No. Just no.

I spent a little time in the city serving those soft, water-fat lords from Caladan. When I couldn’t take that anymore, I wandered the desert in search of a vision. Shai Hulud himself came to me and spoke with his spice scented breath, giving me a vision of a proper tribute to him in bread.

Behold and learn.

DIRECTIONS:

First, mix the yeast and warm water. Let the yeast blossom like a sand storm in the desert. After ten minutes, add the brown sugar, vanilla, cinnamon, salt, and eggs. Whisk it all together until your bowl starts to smell like stale spice wine.

Add half the flour. Top that off with the melted butter. You may think you want to add the melted butter to the liquids, but you’re wrong. The heat will destroy your yeast as surely as a spice mining platform attracts a worm. Top it off with the rest of the flour.

This part may seem dangerous, but if you own a stand mixer, set it to 2 and let it go for six or seven minutes. Try to break the rhythm by pausing at random times to scrape the sides. It’s far safer to mix everything up by hand then knead it for a good 10 minutes at a random, uneven pace.

Form the spice dough into a ball. Put it in a well greased bowl, cover it with a clean kitchen towel, and let it rise for an hour, or until the size doubles.

Kitchen Overlord Sandworm Bread Dough

When you come back, punch it like a fat Harkonen.

Spread some extra flour on a clean surface and roll the dough out into a large rectangle.

Paint the dough with your melted butter, leaving at least 1 inch of clear space around the edges.

The last time I made a sandworm, I tried neatly arranging the almonds into teeth facing outwards. It wasn’t awful, but that worm looked more like it should be terrorizing a desert town in Tremors instead of riding majestically across the desert. The problem was when the dough rose, it pushed all the teeth outwards and upwards.

I learned from that mistake. This time, I spiked the first inch or so of my sandworm’s mouth with almonds pointing up, but angled ever so slightly outwards.

Kitchen Overlord Sandworm Dough Gets Teeth

Evenly sprinkle on your cinnamon, pumpkin pie spice, and sugar. You can pre-mix them if you’d like, or you can just lightly massage it all into the butter using your fingertips.

Kitchen Overlord spicy sweet sandworm

In addition, instead of rolling the worm tight, I made sure it was loose, almost floppy. If you roll a bread too tight, it’ll push outwards, malforming the shape. Give it room to grow.

Kitchen Overlord Raw Sandworm Loaf

Once I had a fat, toothy sandworm, I put it in a well buttered pan, gave the body some slithery kinks, sliced ridges into its back, and let it grow.

Kitchen Overlord - Cinnamon Spice Sandworm has risen

About an hour and twenty minutes later, it rose dramatically. I whisked a teaspoon of vanilla with an egg, painted the Great Maker’s back, and baked it at 350F for 25 minutes.

Kitchen Overlord Cinnamon Spice Sandworm Bread

As soon as it emerged from the oven, I anointed its flesh in glaze so the flavor could penetrate the outer skin.

Behold! The sleeper has awakened!

Kitchen Overlord - Edible Sandworm Cinnamon Roll Bread

If I ever decide to make another one of these monstrosities, next time I’ll roll the dough out a little longer so I can get more curve into my sandworm. I’ll also bake it on a larger surface, possibly a big round metal pizza pan so it’ll have plenty of room to coil and grow.

I also advise adding 1 tsp of almond extract or 1 shot of almond liqueur after the yeast proofs. The almond flavor really enhances the cinnamon.

After your friends admire, treat it like a baby worm you’re melting into the Water of Life. Wait, don’t. Soaking it in a puddle won’t help the flavor. Instead, cut it into rings and drizzle a little more glaze on each slice. If only fat, sugar, and carbs could extend life and broaden the mind without an infusion of the spice melange.

Kitchen Overlord - Interior slice of Sandworm cinnamon roll bread

___
Bitchin’ Bread Battle: Enter the Madness
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 1: Nutella Challah
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 2: Banana (Catan) Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 3: Rosemary Garlic Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 4: Ood Rolls
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 5: Not Quite King’s Hawaiian Rolls
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 6: Make it Dough
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 7: Wookie Pull Apart Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 8-11: Settlers of Catan Bread Board
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 12: How NOT to Make a Sandworm
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 13: Valentine’s Day Anatomical Human Heart Pull Apart Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 14: Nutella or Cinnamon Roll Hearts
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 15: Outback Copycat Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 16: Return of the Sandworm
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 17: Vegan Popplers
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 18: Woodbury Bleeding Zombie Victim Loaf
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 19: Alien Xenomorph Pretzel Bread Eggs
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 20: Aperture Laboratories Bleeding Summer Strawberry Lemon Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 21: Roasted Garlic Bread in Meatloaf Grease
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 22: Wonder Woman
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 23: Watermelon Bread

Walk without rhythm and you won’t attract the worm… but you might attract Christopher Walken.

5 comments

  • “Chris-Rachael’s Sandworm pastry is a phenomenal product that nourishes the emotions as well as the body. As an American moving from youth to middle age, I struggle with depression and the feeling of a lack of power over my situation and my life. This Melange-filled, sugary Shai Hulud was the answer I was seeking. Using my willpower, the strength of my arm, and a jagged blade to cut slices of the most powerful creature in the known universe had therapeutic effects that rivaled my Elavil and Cymbalta prescriptions, and left me cackling like a mad mentat. I highly recommend this product and will definitely purchase again.” — Gabriel Stevens (A real, middle-class, white male)

    Like

  • Pingback: Lunchtime On Arrakis And Archeron | Broadsheet.ie

  • I love you, man.

    Like

  • KITCHEN OVERLORD, where do you find all these glorious recipes? do you make them up completely, or do you change already existing recipes around to suit your desires?

    please quench my spiritual thirst and reply to this message. thanks.

    Like

    • Chris-Rachael Oseland

      The vast majority are my very own original evil creations of culinary might. Whenever I post someone else’s food, I cite them in the text and provide a link to the original post.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s