We need to talk to Clark. This time, his hero worship has gone too far. First the lookalike contest, then the creepy grownup Superman underoos he wears under his clothes. Now he’s even making his sandwiches look like the Man of Steel. If we don’t have an intervention soon, he’s going to make a kryptonite knife and show up to work one day in a hand made Superman skin suit. That mild mannered act isn’t fooling me. It’s always the quiet ones who end up leading some kind of freakish double life.
Look at what I found on his desk. He said it was from the same kid who asked him to give Superman a loaf of fanboy bread, but that looks like Clark’s handwriting to me.
Superman Bread Ingredients
3 cups flour
¾ cup warm milk
½ cup water
1 tbsp yeast
1 tbsp melted butter
¼ cup sugar
½ tsp salt
1 tsp food coloring for each loaf in red, blue, yellow + 1-2 drops black (in blue and 1 in red)
Hey, kids! You may not be able to lift a car, but you can still group up big and strong eating Superman Sandwiches.
Don’t worry, they’re not made from me. That would be cannibalism. Well, not precisely, since I’m actually Kryptonian, but eating sentient beings is wrong. Plus, your teeth can’t pierce my flesh. Plenty of people have tried.
Now, between you and me, you can make this using any white sandwich bread recipe. I like this one because the milk, butter, and eggs give it a midwestern heartiness while producing a sturdy loaf that can stand up to whatever fillings attack the insides.
To get started, warm your milk to the temperature of a comfy bath. Add the yeast, mix it up, and let it bloom for ten minutes. When you come back, add the eggs, water, butter, sugar and salt. Mix them up until they look like an alien broth.
Now comes the hard part. Divide the liquid into three bowls. Add your yellow food coloring to one bowl, blue (plus 1-2 drops of black) to the second and red (plus 1 drop each of blue and black) to a third. These will become my cape, tights, and crest.
Add one cup of flour to each bowl. Use separate forks to mix each one until three balls of dough form. Each ball needs to be kneaded for about 6-7 minutes. If you have any Super Friends around, each one of you can tackle a different color.
Once the dough balls are kneaded, cover them with your cape and wait an hour for them to rise until they’re doubled in size.
When you come back, punch each ball down. It’s not usually okay to hit things, but yeast doesn’t have a central nervous system, so it can’t feel pain. Have fun! Now roll the yellow and red balls out into flat rectangles.
To make my crest, start by cutting the red dough into three smaller rectangles. Fold the red dough twice, like you’re folding a fan letter. If you look at it sideways, you’ll see it already forms a wide S.
Now cut your yellow dough into three pieces. Take one of those pieces and cut it in half, lengthwise. Lift the top fold of your S and tuck it inside. Repeat with the bottom fold.
Look at that. You’ve made the middle of the crest! To finish up, roll your blue dough out flat. Cut it into three rectangles. Tightly fold one rectangle of blue dough around your red and yellow S.
Let the seam overlap underneath so you don’t end up with some red or yellow bursting through. Make sure to keep the whole thing a neat rectangle with a clear top and bottom.
Carefully place your dough into a buttered pan. Be careful to make sure you don’t turn the dough sideways or else your baked S will be at a funny angle.
Repeat until you have three loaves of Super Bread.
Let the dough rise for another hour, then bake it at 350F for 30 minutes.
Once you take them out of the oven, let the loaves sit and cool for at least 10 minutes or else you’ll end up with multicolored crumbs all over the place. When you slice the bread, remember only one side will look like an S. The opposite, Bizarro-World side just looks like a weird red swoosh. Pay attention to which side is facing out when making your Super Sandwiches.
Send me a picture of you eating your healthy, home made Super Sandwich and I’ll pin it up at the Hall of Justice.