We should’ve known better. We’ve all seen horror movies. But we still split up into two teams. The one with Sheriff Crazy Eyes and the world’s most murder-tastic 10 year old went upstairs, towards the noise, while we ran down here looking for food. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. It was for the good of the group, and not at all because Crazy Eyes talks to dead people.
Now we’re stuck in the kitchen. It’s shockingly well stocked. I know we can hole up in here for awhile. But there aren’t any windows or clocks, and honestly, I don’t know how long we’ve been down here. A couple days? A week? I don’t think anyone’s coming for us.
Hot Asian Dude said they walked straight through a group of walkers by cosplaying. It sounds crazy to me, but Steve’s ready to give it a try, and honestly, I’m ready to give Steve to the flesh eaters. He keeps banging on the door, shouting at them. I think one of them took his Intro to American History class. At least, I hope so, because he won’t stop screaming that this is what she deserves for citing an episode of Jersey Shore in her midterm.
I’m going to make Steve some fake intestines to wear out there. Hot Asian Dude specifically mentioned bloody guts got him to safety back in Atlanta. If it works, and you find yourself down here some day, here’s how it works.
Bloody Banana Guts
4 ripe bananas, nearly black
3 tbsp brown sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp red food coloring
Grab something easy to clutch at gut level. I resorted to a brown paper bag. Use whatever you’ve got handy. Now mix up the brown sugar and cinnamon and sprinkle that on the paper bag. You want to lay down a good foundation, because otherwise the bananas will be too wet and will just slide around. You want to keep your guts in one place, right? Plus, if you make it out, you’ll appreciate having a snack with plenty of cinnamon and sugar.
Now peel those black, almost rotted bananas and drop them into a big bowl. Squirt the food coloring over them. Here’s the important part – don’t mash it into the bananas. You want to have some pure white guts sticking up through the bloody red exterior. Just use a fork to gently swish the bananas around in the bowl for a little bit so the exterior soaks up the color. The really black ones are both sweeter and more absorbent, which is a win-win.
Spread the guts out over the cinnamon sugar. Really loop them around so they look like they’ve just been pulled from a screaming corpse. Add a couple extra drops of food coloring directly to a few strategic areas to make your guts look extra bloody.
Really black bananas will turn into a spreadable paste. If this wasn’t the end times, I’d smear a little bit of this and a little bit of Nutella on top of a cookie to make a dessert sandwich. Heck, it’s only a little peanut butter, a little honey, and a couple slices of bread away from looking like something the biters outside would order for takeout.
I’m sending Steve out there, now. I hope he makes it. If not, I’m going to have nonstop nightmares about my college professors grading me on the tastiness of my brains. I’ll probably still make a B-.