Sausage Stuffed Pastry Guts
Honestly, you can stuff these guts with whatever you want. I’m partial to my own home made breakfast sausage filling, but you can use store bought breakfast sausage (the kind you have to slice yourself), your favorite taco filling, keema, left over chunks of pot roast, or honestly whatever you have on hand. After all, you’re going to seal the filling up in the pastry so no one will see it until they take a bite.
Easy Meaty Version Ingredients:
• 2 boxes puff pastry dough, thawed
• 1 lb breakfast sausage
• 1/3 cup frozen peas (optional)
• 1 tbsp red food coloring
• 1-2 drops black food coloring
• 1 disposable paintbrush
Vegan Sausage Style:
• 2 boxes puff pastry dough, thawed
• 1 pound vegan meatless crumbles
• 3 tbsp olive oil
• ½ yellow onion, peeled and diced
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• ⅓ cup frozen peas
• 2 tbsp brown sugar
• 1 tsp dried sage
• 1 tsp fresh ground black pepper
• 1 tsp salt
• ½ tsp rosemary
• ¼ tsp marjoram
• ¼ tsp nutmeg
• ¼ tsp red pepper flakes
• 1 tbsp red food coloring
• 1 – 2 drops black food coloring
• 1 disposable paintbrush
Vegan Filling:
To make the vegan breakfast sausage substitute, start by pouring the olive oil in a saucepan over medium-high heat. That seems like too much oil, but remember, the vegan crumbles are completely fat free.
Throw those onions in there until they sizzle like a zombie caught on an electric fence. Cook them down for about 5 minutes, then add the minced garlic. Give it a good stir and keep cooking it down for another 2-3 minutes. Toss in the frozen peas and frozen veggie crumbles and keep stirring until they’re warmed through.
While that’s cooking, mix all your spices together. When the peas are soft, sprinkle the whole mess with your spice mix and keep stirring until everything is well coated. Take it off the heat and set it aside.
The peas are completely optional. I threw them in because they make me think of the horrible pus pockets that must fill a rotting zombie’s guts. If you’re a sick bastard who prefers to pretend these guts were pulled from a living, screaming victim, try substituting corn. We all know that stuff goes from one end to the other nearly untouched.
Meaty Filling:
Simply crumble the entire pound of breakfast sausage in a skillet and brown it until the meat is cooked through.
Assembly:
From here on it doesn’t matter which filling you’re using. Store bought puff pastry is accidentally vegan, so it’ll work for both.
Cut your sheets of puff pastry into thirds. Just follow the folds. Now gently tug each strip of puff pastry into an even longer rectangle. You need enough square footage to fill an entire 9×13 baking pan.
Lube up your baking pan with whatever oil you like. I used butter, but you can use nonstick spray if you think the apocalypse is a good time to pretend you’re eating healthy.
Now drop heaping tablespoons of the turd-tastic filling in a straight line down the middle of the puff pastry. When you run out of pastry, pinch the seams closed. Oh-so-carefully put the pastry seam side down in your well lubed baking pan.
Now the fun begins. As you fill each section, make sure to loop and twist the pastry into properly intestinal shapes. Let them weave around a little and go down some very dead ends.
Once you run out of pastry and have completely filled the pan, pop it into a 375F oven for 20 minutes, or until the pastry is a lovely golden brown. It’ll smell awesome. Instead of ripping right into the fleshy guts like a hungry zombie, remember you still need to add the final touch.
Grab your paintbrush and food coloring. I like to add 1 drop of black to each tsp of red to get a more authentic blood color. I’ve seen a lot of blood lately. Trust me. I know what I’m talking about.
Follow the seams where each rope of sausage stuffed intestine touches another and paint in a small layer of bloody red food coloring. Don’t go crazy with it. Uninjured guts are actually mostly white. Don’t ask me how I know.
This is fantastic fresh and hot out of the oven, but also surprisingly good the next day, ripped cold, straight from the pan in your fridge.
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