I’ve noticed a lot of the walkers seem to be missing an eye. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. They have both eyes, but in an awful lot of cases, one of those eyes is blatantly dangling from its socket, held in place by nothing more than the optic nerve and a fierce determination to make the living vomit.
I can do that, too.
It’s almost disturbingly easy. At least, the guys called it disturbing. They don’t seem to believe the people outside this windowless kitchen basement door are all just actors being paid to freak us out. I’m sure this is some kind of reality TV show. I’m not falling for it. Not on camera. Not at all. I’ll prove it to them.
Here’s how the eye thing is done. I’m sure of it. Well, 80% sure.
Plucked Zombie Eye
4 cups water
1 tbsp red food coloring
1 tbsp soy sauce
1 tsp Chinese five spice
2 drops black food coloring
1 cup cooked Pad Thai noodles
First, you mix the water, food coloring, soy sauce, and Chinese five spice powder in a small saucepan. Add the eggs and bring it to a boil. It’ll look nasty, but that’s a good thing. Once it comes to a boil, turn the heat down to a simmer and leave the eggs alone for six minutes.
Fish them out with a slotted spoon. Let the broth keep simmering, because you still have a lot of uses for it. Rinse the eggs in cold running water until they’re cool enough to touch, then use the back of a spoon to gently crack the shells. You want to get a nice, bloodshot eye effect. Lower the eggs back into the horrifyingly bloody sauce and leave them there for another 15-20 minutes.
Resist the urge to skimp on the food coloring. If you do, you’ll end up with adorably pale pink lines instead of bloodshot red ones. You want this egg to look like it fell from a walking corpse’s eye socket, not like it should be hidden in a fluffy green lawn alongside some Easter Peeps.
Once you strain out the eggs, toss in a thick handful of precooked Pad Thai noodles. You want to leave them in the simmering bloody sauce long enough for them to really absorb some color. Mine were ready in about 5-8 minutes.
To complete the eye effect, first get a nice, sharp knife and cut a very small circle into the widest part of the egg. Squeeze one drop of black food coloring into the fresh wound and let it sink in for about a minute. Now roll the egg in the leftover blood broth. That’ll rinse the iris and add a little more color to the rest of the egg.
Use that same short, sharp knife to core a half inch deep hole into the narrow end of the socket. Save the egg plug you just removed. Now grab a bunch of red and white Pad Thai noodle strands of varying lengths until you have a long trail that resembles an optic nerve bundle. Shove those into the gaping hole at the narrow end of your egg and keep them in place by shoving the removed egg plug right back where it came from.
With half an hour of effort, you should have an egg and noodle combo that can pass for a freshly plucked eye. I served mine with some inappropriately bloody looking Red Thai Curry, but you can use your imagination.
It’s that easy. The “walkers” can’t be real. They’re just fooling, and we’re marks who aren’t in on the joke. Yet. Pretty soon someone’s going to call “scene” and shove release waivers in our hands.
Other Kitchen Overlord Halloween Recipes:
Bloody Banana Guts
Merle Dixon’s Edible Arm
Sausage Stuffed Pastry Guts
Red Wine Poached Pear Shoulders
Bloody Beet Flesh
Ethiopian Zombie Wot
Walking Dead Post Apocalyptic Dandelion Green and Walnut Pesto
Zombie Brain Bread