As we learned from 30 Dune Coloring Pages for Nihilistic Children, you couldn’t publish a coloring book in the 1980’s without showing dead bodies splayed on the floor.
Over the years, Lucas Films has literally licensed thousands of Star Wars coloring pages. I’ve culled down a select collection of 50 pages from 1980’s coloring books to create a Spoiler Free Make Your Own Star Wars Adventure story that requires zero knowledge of the original series. In fact, the less you know about the source material the better.
BUT FIRST, I HAVE NEWS!
Hey, this coloring page doesn’t look like it came from the 80’s! In fact, it looks awfully familiar…
Tom Gordon and I turend Kitchen Overlord’s Illustrated Geek Cookbook into a coloring book!
You don’t get any recipes, but you do get a Colorable Compendium of Geek History stretching from 1887 to the present.
Get all 110 pages of KITCHEN OVERLORD’S COLORABLE COMPENDIUM OF GEEK HISTORY on Amazon for $13.99.
Meanwhile, let’s see what the Rebel Alliance was up to in the 1980’s!
Go home, At-At. You’re drunk.
Nah, man. I’ve seen things. WRONG things. Things I can’t unsee.
Really? TELL US MORE!
*hic* You asked for it, man. NEVER FORGET, YOU ASKED!
So, *hic* years back, I worked with this asthmatic dude who kinda lost his mind after his wife and kids died. Real tragic shit. Turned him dark, if you know what I mean. But things got so much worse after he found out they were alive and well, but had been adopted by different families.
A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY…
Hello, handsome! I’m a princess!
Hey gorgeous! I’m a moisture farmer. Er, that is, I’m the scion of an intergalactic empire hiding in plain sight.
I’m a weapons smuggling intergalactic truck driver – and I like to watch…out for trouble. Yeah, that’s what I meant. Shut up, Chewie!
That’s okay. Keep an eye on us. Things might get…interesting.
WHOA! I’m here to put a stop to this!
I’m not.
Go on kids. I’ll protect you from Boba Fett. Let me get a good grip on my light saber first.
Don’t worry. We’ll retcon all of this out.
Ignore that robed man! IT’S A TRAP!
Why do fights break out every time I buy lingerie? PRINCESSES HAVE NEEDS TOO, SUBJECTS!
Seriously? You brought a gun to an unweildy laser fight? Classism in the Empire is ridiculous these days. WE’RE BOTH CONSENTING ADULTS! I give up, man. Some days it feels like the whole damn Empire is on a quest to make sure I never get laid again.
Speaking on behalf of the empire, I am entirely fine with that.
Hey, Princess! What would you do for a heroic rescue?
The same thing I’d do for a Klondike bar.
But I brought reinforcements!
I’ve got this. Honest.
Do you have a ship?
*sigh* I always lose out to the blue eyed blonde hero. Where are we going?
ON THE FOREST MOON OF ENDOR
Why hello, sentient Teddy Bears! My brother, my arms dealing truck driver, and I greet you on behalf of the Rebel Alliance!
Hello, Shell-Less Humans! You can call me King Cuddle-Upagus! Gosh, I had no idea humans came in a non-peel-and-eat form!
Oh, god. I’m still alive. Can you hear me? Tell someone to blow up this moon. Please. The Empire. The Rebels. I don’t care. These things…they use our armor to tenderize their meat. While we’re still alive. They – why in the ‘verse – they ATE my brother as sushi while playing bone flutes made from my commander’s thighs. Please, please, kill me … then save yourselves!
Don’t listen to him, squishy ones! I welcome you shell-less humans to our adorable Teddy Bear Kingdom! Just a sec while we take out your rescuers, er, that is, our terrible oppressors!
What part of RUN do you not understand! If you can get to your ship, summon Darth Vader. Hell, summon the Emperor! If we don’t take these bastards out now, no one is safe!
Er, what’s that on your head, King Cuddle-Upagus?
Do you like it? You’re so sweet. This hood was my father’s skin before I usurped the Cuddle Kingdom.
As you can see, my cousin is wearing an enemy warrior’s shrunken skull as a hat, but now that YOU’RE here, we don’t have to fight amongst ourselves anymore! Long live the Rebel Alliance! Well, not that long. Live until Tuesday, Rebel Alliance!
That’s it. I’m outta here. Run for your life!
It’s such a shame you couldn’t save Endor from the Empire, Master Luke.
Er, yeah, C-3P0. A tragedy. Make sure that goes in our official report. Nothing we could do.
Are they still…cuddling? I built you two to keep an eye on them!
Send them to alien worlds, we can! Talk to him, I will!
Did someone say Alien?
Chill, Queenie. You’re not in EVERY franchise!
SAYS WHO?!
I don’t like this plan.
Me, either! Tourists can’t handle the cold here on Hoth!
That escalated quickly.
I could’ve lasted longer and I’m from Arrakis!
He’s got a point. You’re too tasty beautiful for this world.
Wait, where am I? What’s happening here? And why is R2-D2 serving drinks?
Act natural, kid. I’ve got a camera. Everyone’s going to know what happened here.
Put that camera down! I shot first! And I really need to sell these photos to J. Jonah Jamison. I’m losing too much business to this Parker kid. So back off, Greedo! This is my story!
Both of you need to settle the heck down. NOW. I swear, you can’t let reporters into a bar these days.
This looks like trouble. I’m outta here.
You know where that leads, right?
I can’t leave you two idiots alone.
We weren’t alone!
That doesn’t make it any better. *sigh* I should probably just fall on my light saber now and save myself the trouble.
I can help with that.
I’ll pose, but I won’t put up a fight.
Remember me for my Blue Steel.
AND THAT’S HOW LEIA BECAME QUEEN
Sure, Chewie couldn’t stop yawning through the ceremony, but the last living troopers applauded all the way through – and not just because we threatened to cut off one of their hands if they stopped. They seemed genuinely moved.
