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Bitchin’ Bread Battle

Mouthy Bread Judges You

I’ve clearly lost my mind.

This year, to counter my notorious grinchitude, I was gifted a Kitchenaid stand mixer. Surely, the logic went, she’ll go insane buying attachments, one of which will make her heart grow three sizes big, and she will finally discover the true meaning of the holiday season.

Instead, I’ve discovered an unhealthy obsession with bread.

I used to make bread once a week. Calling it dense would be an understatement. Terry Pratchett’s dwarves could use it as a throne. After a year or so, I gave up on torturing my molars and went on to more satisfying culinary exploration. I’d heard legends, though, that the Great Dough Hook could take the most heavy handed baker and turn her creations into fluffy confections of glutinous delight.

It is my uneasy duty to report that these stories are true. I coudln’t believe my first gloriously soft loaf of challah, nor my next deliciously crusty loaf of Italian, nor my impossibly airy pan of yeasty cinnamon rolls. I was hooked. I couldn’t stop myself. Pretty soon, I was covered with more sinfully amazing white stuff  than Robert Downey Jr. in the 1990’s. I knew I had to stop – this addiction was getting in the way of my real life – but each loaf felt better than the last.

Therefore, I’ve decided the time has come to burn myself out on bread. For the entire month of February, I’m making a loaf of bread each day. I’ll either end the month so damn sick of bread that I’m ready to try the Paleo diet or, well, I haven’t really thought about the “or.” The goal here is to purge myself of this baking addiction by making it a tedious, arduous, pointless chore I’ll come to dread.

Wish me luck.

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Bitchin’ Bread Battle: Enter the Madness
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 1: Nutella Challah
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 2: Banana (Catan) Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 3: Rosemary Garlic Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 4: Ood Rolls
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 5: Not Quite King’s Hawaiian Rolls
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 6: Make it Dough
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 7: Wookie Pull Apart Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 8-11: Settlers of Catan Bread Board
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 12: How NOT to Make a Sandworm
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 13: Valentine’s Day Anatomical Human Heart Pull Apart Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 14: Nutella or Cinnamon Roll Hearts
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 15: Outback Copycat Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 16: Return of the Sandworm
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 17: Vegan Popplers
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 18: Woodbury Bleeding Zombie Victim Loaf
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 19: Alien Xenomorph Pretzel Bread Eggs
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 20: Aperture Laboratories Bleeding Summer Strawberry Lemon Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 21: Roasted Garlic Bread in Meatloaf Grease
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 22: Wonder Woman
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 23: Watermelon Bread

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