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April O’Neil Before Zod

April ONeil Before Zod

If you got here from a drunken 2 a.m. Google search, I know you’re deeply disappointed this isn’t a very special porn crossover between Superman and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Instead, this thing you behold is terrible, reprehensible, so horribly wrong it transcends badness and crosses into a territory previously occupied only by the Nine Inch Nails mashup with Call Me Maybe.

Yes, it’s an edible pun.

It’s both simple and surprisingly satisfying to make April O’Neil Before Zod


2 slices pumpernickel or dark wheat bread
2 slices turkey lunchmeat
2 slices roast beef lunch meat
1 slice cheddar cheese
yellow mustard

Cut the crusts off your bread so you have neat squares. This is a classy sandwich. Next, lovingly sculpt a piece of cheddar into a rough pear shape to make April’s face. Lay it on a slice of bread. Grab your mustard and add mounds of curly hair.

She’s now ready to meet General Zod.

Grab your second slice of bread. Arrange the turkey slices into an oval. As you can see, I assume Zod developed a skin condition during his time in the Phantom Zone. This is mostly because I happened to have tasty herbed turkey in my fridge. In honor of his fate, I recommend you use smoked meat.

The one thing we all remember about General Zod is his hair. Cut two triangles of roast beef – one for this widow’s peak and the other for his goatee. Once those are in place, arrange the rest of your roast beef in a neat circle to create his beard, and (receding) hair. Finish it off with a meaty crescent for his mustache.

Before eating, smear the two of them together like a completely nonsensical fanfic. It seems so wrong, but once you get a taste, you can’t resist the pairing.

In a perfect world, this sandwich would be served open faced on a square mirror alongside green filed Halloween Oreos to represent turtles peeking out of a manhole cover.

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