No one expects the SPANISH RICE INQUISITION!
This is a great recipe for people who always look on the bright side of life yet are responsible enough to end their meals with a wafer thin mint.
2 cups long-grain white rice
4 Roma tomatoes
1 cup animal food trough water (or chicken broth)
2 garlic cloves, chopped
1/2 medium white onion, chopped
2 teaspoons kosher salt, plus more as needed
1/4 cup olive oil
1 bay leaf
Rinse your rice in a ram’s bladder cup or colander until the water runs clear.
Dump your tomatoes, broth, garlic, onion, and salt into a blender. Right now, it looks like a hostile fruit salad. Pulse until it becomes a frightening liquid.
Pour your olive oil into a frying pan as wide as your hat. Over a medium-high heat, fry your rice until it becomes translucent as a big ball of snot. (About five minutes.)
Add the tomato blend and bay leaf to the pan.
Cruelly stir it together like you’re beating a Roman slave, then cover it with a tight fitting lid. Leave it alone for 15 minutes to stew in its own fetid juices.
Pull the pot off the heat. Leave it alone for another 10 minutes.When you open it up, you’ll have huge tracts of rice.
Fish out the bay leaf and fluff the rice with a fork.
Serve alongside fried spam, sliced spam, pate of spam, boiled spam, roasted spam, and spam sushi. Wash it all down with a hearty glass of Nuit San Woggawogga and finish your meal with a wafer thin mint.