Lasso. Tiara. Star spangled granny panties. As a little girl, I dreamed of growing up to become a kick ass, gravity defying, Amazonian dispenser of justice.
In honor of the original four color warrior princess, I humbly present this improbable loaf of sweet carby wonder.
Ingredients:
6-7 cups flour
1 ½ cups warm water
2 tbsp yeast
3 eggs
1 tbsp cooking oil
½ cup sugar
½ tsp salt
Red food coloring
Blue food coloring
Yellow food coloring
½ cup pineapple Jelly
1 cup sweetened flaked coconut
I’ll be honest with you. This recipe is a complete pain in the ass. Luckily, you can make two large loaves out of it. Take one to a party then slice and freeze the other to impress any comic loving sleepover friends with the world’s most epic French Toast. If this doesn’t impress them, you’re sleeping with the wrong people.
You’re essentially making three mini batches of dough then stuffing them with more fun than Linda Carter’s bustier.
Mix your warm water and yeast. Let it bubble away for about 10 minutes. When you have a thriving colony, add in your eggs, oil, sugar and salt. Mix that up until it’s one big sloppy mess.
Gosh, that seemed pretty straightforward. Now for the hassle.
Measure that mess into three bowls.
Bowl 1: 1 ¼ cup mix + 1 tsp red food coloring + 3-4 drops blue
Bowl 2: 1 ¼ cup mix + 1 tsp blue food coloring
Bowl 3: ½ cup mix + ½ tsp yellow food coloring
Add 2 ½ – 3 cups of flour to your red dyed bowl #1. Really mix that in, then knead away for about 6-8 minutes. You want your dough to be slightly tacky, but not sticky.
If you have a stand mixer, this is a good time to multi task. Add 2 ½ – 3 cups of flour to your blue mix in bowl #2 and either have the stand mixer or a minion knead it. Finally, add 1 ½ – 2 cups of flour to your yellow bowl #3 and hand knead it for 4-6 minutes. This is such a tiny batch your stand mixer won’t even be able to reach it.
You should now have three bright, primary colored wads of dough. Congratulations. Cover them with a clean dish towel and let them rise for about an hour.
When you come back, it’s time for wacky adventures in assembly.
We’ll start with Wonder Woman’s star spangled panties. Most white sugary things will melt when baked, so don’t bother substituting marshmallows or candy unless you want suspicious holes in your finished dough. I made my stars out of sweet flaked coconut.
Knead a cup of it it into the blue dough. Now shape the dough into two neat rectangles and use them to fill the bottom of your well greased bread pans.
Next comes Wonder Woman’s belt. You made an extra small batch of yellow dough because you want that layer to be notably thinner than the other two. Roll it flat, fill it with a thin layer of pineapple jelly, then fold it over.
Shape your yellow dough into two pan sized rectangles and lay the yellow layer on top of the blue.
Now for the exciting part. Cut your red dough in half. Roll half of it into a large, red rectangle of justice. You can either fill it with more pineapple jelly or, if you want a more dramatic bustier, fill it with a mix of cinnamon sugar (⅓ cup of sugar with 1 ½ tbsp cinnamon should do nicely).
However you stuff your bra, shape it by gently rolling the dough from both outermost edges inwards. This should create a nice bosomy effect.
Gently lay the red layer on top of the yellow. Repeat with the second half of your red dough.
These are pretty darn big loaves. Tent the top with aluminum foil and bake at 350F for 20 minutes. Remove the foil and continue baking for another 15 minutes. (If you skip the foil, the top crust will harden and burn so much your bread will look like sunburnt silicone implants.)
For the ambitious bakers, if you want to create a little more wasp-waisted effect, you can make a couple thin rolls of aluminum foil the same length as your pan. Lube them up with a generous layer of nonstick cooking spray. After you add your yellow dough layer, line the aluminum foil supports up along the outermost sides of the pan. This keeps the top red layer from fully touching the sides while it bakes, so your bread will curve in at the waist and, if your pan is the right height, pillow up and out at the bosom.
Between the sugar, jelly, and sweetened coconut, this isn’t sandwich bread. You can toast it up and smear it with sweetened cream cheese as a super heroic bagel substitute, dip it in eggs and make wondrous French Toast, or serve it as part of a brunch spread with plenty of fruit and jelly. It also makes a great homemade gift for any female service members coming home from their tour of duty.
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