Prepare for battle! We Sontarans have had enough of your insults. We are neither Spudheads nor Pew Pew Potatoes. We are not even Spudmuffins, as some of your adoring females have attested. Sontar produces the greatest warriors the universe has ever known! We have the wisdom and might to achieve victory in every battle, from the fields of Trenzalore to the depths of Kitchen Stadium.
Bow down, Humanity, for we have taken the very core of your insults and turned it into a craveable source of your final defeat. You will not be able to resist the crispiness of potato chips combined with the salty sweetness of home made cookies. We shall stare at you through chocolate chip eyes, judging, as every relentless bite you take brings us closer to our final defeat of your pathetic species. While you chow down on these irresistible potato chip cookies created in our visage, we shall take your cities, your nations, your very world. And you will thank us for it – as long as we promise more cookies.
Sontaran Potato Chip Cookies
2 sticks softened butter
1 cup granulated sugar
½ cup brown sugar
1 large egg
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
2 1/2 cups crushed potato chips
¼ cup chocolate chips
Prepare for your doom by preheat your puny human oven to 350F.
Cream together the butter, sugar, and brown sugar until they are as soft and weak as your human armies. Next beat in the egg and vanilla, whipping it mightily to prepare it for the punishments yet to come.
In another bowl, mix together the flour and baking powder. You may believe you should add the crushed potato chips, but you are wrong, human. You always are.
Combine the flour mix with the butter mix until you achieve the worthy task of creating a dough. Now, puny humans, take the very source of your mockery, the crushed potato chips, and fold them into the batter. When you taste how a mere potato enhances these confections, you shall mock no more!
Fill a mini muffin pan with blue liners in honor of our uniforms. Roll golfball sized mounds of dough between your hands and drop them lightly into the liners. The more respectful among you will use a chopstick or a thin butterknife – for few among you own true fighting knives – to slice a hint of a mouth and nose into the cookies before baking.
Put your proto-warriors into your oven and let the 350F fires burn out their impurities and transform them into true warriors in a ritual lasting 15-18 minutes, or until their palor darkens to a light golden brown.
Upon retrieving your Sontaran army from the oven, quickly push chocolate chip eyes into their faces. The chips should melt slightly, which keeps them from falling off. Do not wait until the soldiers cool or else you risk doom and ruination! However, you should wait until they cool to draw on a mouth using either a knife dipped in Nutella for an angry brown line or a red icing pen if you do not fear your warriors looking like they enjoy lipstick. For no matter how you paint our faces, we shall always conquer!