We pay our last respects to True Blood’s final season with a week of drinks almost as delicious as Sookie’s Fairy Blood.
Get ready for a tasty trip back in time as we explore drinks your favorite vampires would’ve quaffed before they were turned.
Nan Flanagan (Turned 1194)
Nan Flanagan had a lifelong love of politics. She climbed her way up the ranks of the vampire Authority until she was given the ability to crown kings and queens. She could grant power to monarchs and sheriffs or just as easily order their executions. Nan used this power to become one of the biggest driving forces behind the Great Revelation. In the century before vampires came out of the coffin, her political influence extended into the mortal world. She met with both presidents Roosevelt, First Lady Hillary Clinton, and a number of other influential human figures who she saw capable of furthering her goals.
Nan Flanagan would’ve been one of the oldest vampires who ever enjoyed a good stiff drink. Back in Russell Edgington, Godrick, and Erik’s youth, fortified wine was the strongest beverage west of the Himalayan Mountains. Nan was born just in time to taste some of the first whisky in Ireland.
The Chinese may have discovered the art of distilling alcohol back when Russell Edgington was alive, but Europeans didn’t figure it out until the same century when Nan Flanagan was born. The new technology revolutionized the way Irish people drank. Whisky wasn’t a substitute for bread. Instead, Irish Whisky was considered a bastion of efficiency and an example of modernity in action.
People in the 12th century weren’t anywhere near as afraid of change as folks like to think today. They were constantly exposed to amazing new things coming from the Middle East, where those weirdos bathed every week, and distant China, where it was thought powerful magicians created the nearly supernatural wonders of silk and porcelain. It was taken for granted you’d find something new and mysterious at every market day. Within a year or two you’d wonder how you ever lived without it.
While the new Irish Whisky would certainly get you drunk, the amazing substance was also considered highly medicinal. It could calm a cough, clean a wound, and help you sleep. Oh, it could also get you good and properly drunk.
If you’re always the person at your office who has to smooth over other people’s messes, whip up a glass of Nan Flannagan’s Night Whisky to calm your nerves. Life could be worse. At least you’re not spending your weekend trying to put a good spin on a vampire ripping out a newscaster’s spine on national television. It’s a hard act to follow in the ongoing quest for better ratings.
Nan Flannagan’s Night Whisky
– 1 cup of last night’s Hard Cider
– 1 shot Irish whiskey
– 1 Mint Leaf
– ½ tsp Honey
In 12th century Ireland, whisky was considered a good way to refresh leftover cider. If it got you drunk enough, you wouldn’t notice the cider’s staleness or any fruit flies drowned on the surface of your drink. Improvements in hygiene are one of the best things about eternal life. You get to make this with a fresh bottle of Woodchuck. Nan would’ve used the dubiously chunky liquid left all night in a wooden mug.
Degenerate modern drinkers with no respect for the suffering of their ancestors should start by crushing a mint leaf in the bottom of a highball glass. Top it off with your Irish Whisky and continue crushing the mint leaf like you’re crushing the spirit of an unruly underling. Once you’re bored of that, pour in some flat, uncarbonated hard cider (a bottle of Woodchuck or Strongbow left open for a couple hours will do fine.) Serve it briskly iced in the summer. In winter, heat it to the temperature of warm blood and serve it in a commemorative glass along with a petition for support of the Vampire Rights Amendment.
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