I’ve been to so many academic conferences where they refused to understand my brilliance, Igor. They sip their wine and nibble off charcuterie plates covered in flesh, cheese, figs, and jam, never understanding that with a little vision, they have everything they need to breathe life into a whole new creation!
I’ll show them. I’ll rip the eyes from their very sockets and replace them with ones that will let them see only the beauty of my creations!
Withered Zombie Eyes
- 10 dried Calmyra figs
- 10 tsp cherry jam
- 4 pieces string cheese
We won’t need much. Fetch me the figs, jam, two colors of string cheese, and a knife.
First, I just need to rip out my former academic advisor’s eyes while the rest of the tenure committee watches. Make sure they’re securely tied down, but don’t gag them unless you want to risk a few drowning in their own vomit.
Now cut the ends off a pair of equal sized figs. If you’re feeling lazy, you can just bite them off and spit the stems at the tenure committee.
Roll the back half of the figs in cherry jam. They’ll need a little viscera to help them stay in place.
To make the dangling nerve ends, peel long strips off your string cheese. Press the strips into the bloody looking cherry jam. Gently press the nerves into the viscera. The jam will hold most of them in place.
We don’t want those raw nerve endings to leave them screaming so long they can’t appreciate our work, so cover the top of the cheese with a little dab more cherry jam.
If you’ve done it right, the bottom of the fig will point outwards, like the pupil of a decaying eye. Keep it up until you can no longer stand all those dead eyes staring at you, judging you.
Now fire up the storm generator while I slide these into my former advisor’s sockets. And put these human eyes in a jar with the rest of them. I’m sure we can add them to the surveillance system… later.
Psst! This year’s crop of Halloween recipes are ripped straight from the pages of Kitchen Overlord’s upcoming cookbook: Dead Delicious!
Whether your Halloween revolves around zombies, slashers, or body horror, you can cover your table with so many eyes, ears, guts, and brains your kitchen will look like the aftermath of a horror movie. Click here to get your copy now, just in time for Halloween!