Orphan Black Baby Shower Babka
Seestra make me babka. It is all day to make. I know she have very much love for me. This Babka is mine. I only share with other seestra.
You make your own.
Helena’s Baby Shower Babka
1 cup milk
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
2 tbsp sugar
1/2 cup lukewarm water
2 tbsp active dry yeast
10 large egg yolks
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup sugar
8 ounces (2 sticks) melted butter
2 teaspoons vanilla
Grated zest of 1 lemon
6 cups bread flour
¾ cup Nutella
½ cup sugar
3 tbsp cinnamon
½ tsp allspice
½ tsp nutmeg
1 tsp vanilla
1 tbsp milk
First, you must make sponge. Scald milk like it is bad girl. Tell it scalding is to cleanse spirit so no bacteria make it into babka. Let it cool to 110 degrees, like very much warm bath.
Put ⅓ cup flour in big bowl and pour in scalded milk. You Americans no make gravy. This is for babka, not biscuits. Beat flour into milk until sin of lumps all gone.
Get another bowl. Put yeast and sugar into very warm water and stir and stir and stir till yeasties all gone and water looks like thin mud. Do not drink. Make it sit in dark for 10 minutes to think about its fate. When it blooms like ugly fungus, mix in milk-flour paste. Beat hard until bowl looks full of sad milk that is crying. Wrap plastic on top of bowl and hide it in dark place for at least four hours. You know you have broken will of sponge when is bubbly with terror.
Four hours later, you make dough.
Good babka have many eggs. Chicken mommies cry when they see us eat babka, the egg is so many. Do not be sad. Chickens are mean. They deserve to suffer.
Beat 10 egg yolks in stand mixer for two minutes. They look lonely. Add in 2 whole eggs, plus salt for the wound in chicken mommies spirits. Keep beating in stand mixer for another two minutes. Sweeten broken spirit of baby chickens with 1 cup sugar. Keep beating until it becomes happy and light.
Now many things go in mixer bowl. Butter, vanilla, lemon zest, two of your hairs for good luck, and 12 tears from innocent blonde girl child. Keep beating until all is well mixed.
Get sponge from dark corner. Tell it suffering has purpose, and purpose is in bowl. Mix it in with eggs until all anger is soothed and smoothness erupts in soul of bread.
Mix in all flour until messy wetness in bowl magically becomes dough. Knead it for 6-8 minutes in machine or 10-12 by hand.
Cover dough. Leave alone one hour to recover from transformation and grow into new being. When double in size, punch once, hard. Suffering from previous life must be remembered.
Cut punched dough in half. You now make two babkas.
Roll one half of dough flat like pizza. Cover its nakedness with Nutella or Cinnamon/Sugar mix. Pretend is cinnamon buns and roll up along one side, so looks like very long snail.
Now you is clever. Get very sharp knife. Cut tube of babka in half along whole length of body. You see layers and layers, like skin and blood and muscle and bone with insides now on outsides.
Twist two halves together, like lazy braid. Make sure exposed wounds are on top. Shape into ring. Babka is queen of breads. Make it look like crown.
You can make second crown with rest of bread. Or you can be like Ukranians and bake babka in coffee tins. Grease inside. Fill ⅓ with dough. Is much easier than crown, but not so pretty.
Let bread rise 90 minutes or until size is double. Is slower than always fast fast fast American bread. Is also better.
Chickens can never suffer enough for their meanness. More eggs make babka better. Beat 1 more egg with 1 tsp vanilla and 1 tbsp milk. Brush it on top of babkas before baking to make pretty. When baking, house will smell like Easter.
Heat oven to 375F. Bake babka for 10 minutes. Turn oven down to 325 and bake for 30 minutes. This make crust crunchy outside but inside soft like baby skin.
Let babka cool inside pan or it will rebel against your will and lose all shape. You can make sweet with sugar glaze, or you can cut into slices for butter and jam. Is special good with mangoes.
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