We received our first delivery of “snacks” here at the lair. You don’t need them. I provide all your nutritional needs in a convenient go-gurt like form which I promise isn’t made from the dissolved bodies of your fallen minions. Still, some of you complain you need things like texture or flavor or a full day’s dose of preservatives to keep you young.
There’ve also been complaints about meat vat #7. I promise it doesn’t have any nerve endings. Calling it “Gunter” just makes the more gullible among you believe it’s sentient. Those noises are merely mechanical gas releases and not screams of pain. Don’t be unreasonable. I’d never give something like that a thorax.
Because I am a benevolent mistress, I subscribed to the Vegan Cuts Snack Box. This month’s package of goodies came with nine meat free snacks divided into three rough categories.
For those of you missing traditional snack food, they provided a bag of Skinny Pop (which is cropping up in every sample box this month) and a bag of Sweet Potato Tortilla Chips. The Skinny Pop tastes exactly like what you would expect from stale air popped popcorn that’s been sitting in a bag of preservative for an indefinite time, which still makes it infinitely better than movie popcorn. The sweet potato chips were crunchy, sturdy enough to hold the soggiest of dips, and with just the right balance of salt, sugar, and fat to make you immediately crave another bag. I approve of their devious culinary tricks.
Next came what I considered the “healthy” alternatives. If you’re a vegan runner (stop blaming the meat vat. It only chases you in your dreams) then the plant protein powder is a welcome alternative to the mostly dairy based “health” shakes. I sampled the gluten free, soy free, meat free protein bar after lifting weights. It had the texture of home made sidewalk chalk and the flavor of cardboard smeared in honey. This left me impressed by their ability to make it taste almost exactly like every other high protein bar marketed at weight lifters.
The salad toppers added considerable texture, but little flavor. If you’ve never tasted bacon or cheese, just watching a McDonald’s ad is enough to convince you neither of these products taste remotely like what they promise. The bacon bits started aggressively with salt and somehow ended with an apple-like finish. If you’re allergic to nuts but still want to add carbs and crunch to your salad, try chopping up an apple and sprinkling on some granola instead. Nice try, chemical factory. Keep working on it.
Clearly, whoever was in charge of assembling this box craved brushchetta so badly I was a little amazed they didn’t include a baugette. If you acquire your own, you can then top it with some cheese, olives, and a dab of roasted bruschetta mix. The tiny one ounce sample of peppery delight was the real star of the box, though second place had to go to the Teese. I did had a good time testing the limits of the vegan cheddar’s stretchability. You can both sculpt with it and eat it. I found myself wanting to try other flavors of Teese. Some mozzarella would be great in a traditional style lasagna made with soy sausage. It was also surprisingly good on sandwiches.
Based on the snacks and samples provided in the Vegan Cuts April Snack Box, I’ll definitely acquire some sweet potato chips for the minions, and not just because the brand both decrees and pleads that “Food Should Taste Good.” I also want to look into more Teese, because when you live in a lair at the base of an extinct volcano, you’re never teased enough. The minions liked the meager scraps I gave them so well I’ll continue subscribing to Vegan Cuts for another month.
If there’s anything you want to see me feed the minions, make a recommendation in the comments. They’re gullible enough to eat nearly anything – especially at gunpoint.