After a breakfast of bachelor chow and a six pack of Slurm for lunch, the best thing you can have for dinner is a huge plate of Popplers. Since the Omicronians no longer let us eat their delicious children, not even when deep fried and dipped in honey mustard sauce, we poor sad Earthicans of the year 3000 have been forced to make substitutes using stupid things like flour and sugar.
Good news, everybody!
For those of you who stopped eating meat entirely after realizing you gleefully consumed thousands of adorably crunchy and deliciously savory baby Omicronians, this vegan version of popplers is not remotely guaranteed to help you get past the shakes of withdrawal.
1 cup warm water
1 tbsp dry yeast
1/2 cup sugar
3 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 tsp salt
½ cup diced dried apricots
¼ cup brown sugar
+ 1 cup extra sugar to coat
Mix the yeast and warm water. Try to pretend the way it rises doesn’t remind you of tangy popplers bobbing to the top of a fry basket. This is a good time for a beer. Alternately, it’s a good time for however many beers you can drink in ten minutes.
When you come back, smother that thriving yeast colony in sugar. They’ll think you’re throwing them a party. Crash it with the vanilla, oil and salt. Once you give all that a nice whisk, dump in the flour.
If you have a stand mixer, attach the dough hook and let it knead away on speed 2 for the next five minutes. Try to pretend it doesn’t remind you of popplers being rolled in breading. This is a good time to drink another beer. If you don’t have a stand mixer, knead the dough for 6-8 minutes. Try not to wet it too much with your poppler deprived tears.
Put the dough in an oiled bowl and cover it with a clean kitchen towel. Let it rise for the next hour or until doubled in size.
If you haven’t had any beer yet, dice 1 cup of dried apricots until they’re so small you only have ½ cup of fruit. Density. It’s the future! If you can’t wield a knife, make Zoidberg snip up the apricots for you. Mix the apricots and brown sugar together.
Good job. That killed about 5 minutes, 10 if you’re clumsy. Go find something else to do for the next 50 minutes. If you don’t live with a robot, there’s probably more beer in the fridge.
When your dough has doubled in size, punch it down the same way you punched the first person who said you could never eat another poppler.
Grab a poppler sized chunk of dough, a little smaller than a golfball, and shove 1 tsp of apricot filling into the middle. Pinch the ball closed and roll it around in your hands until you have a nice, neat sphere. Roll the sphere in loose sugar.
A mini muffin pan is a great home for these vegan popplers. If you don’t have a mini muffin pan, just lube up a baking sheet and arrange the popplers about 2 inches apart.
Keep pinching, stuffing, and rolling until you run out of dough.
Bake the vegan popplers at 350F for 12-15 minutes, or until they turn the dark, golden brown of a freshly battered and fried poppler.
Once they’re cool enough to touch, bite into the deliciously sweet flesh of the dough. When warm, you can almost pretend the filling tastes like poppler brains. Almost.
Bitchin’ Bread Battle: Enter the Madness
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 1: Nutella Challah
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 2: Banana (Catan) Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 3: Rosemary Garlic Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 4: Ood Rolls
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 5: Not Quite King’s Hawaiian Rolls
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 6: Make it Dough
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 7: Wookie Pull Apart Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 8-11: Settlers of Catan Bread Board
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 12: How NOT to Make a Sandworm
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 13: Valentine’s Day Anatomical Human Heart Pull Apart Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 14: Nutella or Cinnamon Roll Hearts
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 15: Outback Copycat Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 16: Return of the Sandworm
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 17: Vegan Popplers
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 18: Woodbury Bleeding Zombie Victim Loaf
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 19: Alien Xenomorph Pretzel Bread Eggs
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 20: Aperture Laboratories Bleeding Summer Strawberry Lemon Bread
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 21: Roasted Garlic Bread in Meatloaf Grease
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 22: Wonder Woman
Bitchin’ Bread Battle Day 23: Watermelon Bread