Whether you’re stranded on the wrong side of a rift in the universe or merely waiting for a coalition of everything that ever hated you to spring their inevitable trap, it’s a sure bet things are about to get shaky inside your TARDIS. Demonstrate the severity of the situation to your companions using these sexy TARDIS sandwich cookies for props.
Exploding TARDIS cookies
Season 5, Episode 12: The Pandorica Opens
From Dining With the Doctor: Regenerated – The Revised and Expanded 2nd Edition Whovian Cookbook
(makes 24 sandwich cookies)
- 2 cups/450 g butter, softened
- 2 cups/250 g white sugar
- 1 tbsp/15 ml lemon extract
- 1 tsp/5 ml orange extract
- 1 tsp/5 g baking powder
- 2 eggs
- 3 tbsp/45 ml blue food coloring
- 6 1/4 cups/800 g all purpose flour
- 1 large tub buttercream icing
- steampunk and lightning bolt Geeky Sprinkles from The Geeky Hostess
- yellow and blue sanding sugar
Variation: substitute hazelnut extract for the lemon and orange extracts then substitute buttercream for the lemon or buttercream icing.
Before we can stuff our TARDIS with gears, electricity, and glittery gold Gallifreyan life force, we need to build its outer walls. If your TARDIS happens to have a functioning chameleon circuit, you technically don’t need to bother with this step.
However, if you’re currently traveling in a squeaky blue box with the parking brake on (I’m not naming any unpronouncable names, sweetie) then here’s how to make an acceptable rendition of your time machine’s silhouette.
This batter doesn’t require any freezing, so heat pre-heat your oven to 350F/175C while you work.
Start by tossing all your softened butter into a stand mixer. If you don’t own one, you can use a regular old hand mixer, but much like figuring out the Doctor and River’s anniversary, it’s a lot of work. Sweeten the butter up with all your sugar and beat it into creamy decadence.
Add in the extracts, eggs, and food coloring. If citrus flavors remind you of all those satsumas you kept in your pocket during a previous regeneration, feel free to substitute hazelnut extract.
While the creamed butter and sugar are making friends with the color and flavors, grab a clean bowl and whisk the baking powder into the flour.
Now that the wet mix is looking plenty friendly, gradually introduce ¼ of the flour mix. Let the stand mixer blades work their magic, pausing to scrape down the sides before adding the next bit. Keep this up until you’re out of flour, then let it run until you end up with an incredibly stiff blue dough.
Grab a fist sized wad of raw cookie potential. Use your fist to smush it between two pieces of parchment paper before rolling it down to ⅛ inch/3 mm thickness.
There are infinite variations on TARDIS cookie cutters available on Think Geek, Etsy, Amazon, and at Doctor Who conventions. In a pinch, Kitchen Overlord’s minion Lil Jinni even has instructions on how to make your own kid-friendly cookie cutters from leftover milk jugs and hot glue.
Whatever cutter you use, arrange your blue boxes on a parchment paper lined baking sheet at least 1 inch/2.5 cm apart so they don’t try to merge realities.
Bake at 350F/175C for 10-12 minutes, depending on how crispy you like your cookies. If you prefer soft & pliable sugar cookies, you can bake them for as little as 8 minutes.
When you pull the first batch from the oven, go ahead and shove a fresh one right in your face. Now that you have that out of your system, slide the rest onto a cooling rack and leave them the heck alone while they harden and cool. Repeat the process (hot cookie taste testing optional) until you run out of cookie dough.
Once your cookies have toughened up, it’s time to install all the ‘splody bits.
Scoop an entire tub of storebought lemon icing into a large plastic sandwich bag. If you’re using the hazelnut variation, substitute buttercream icing. Snip a tiny hole off the end of the bag – yes, tinier than that. More the suggestion of a hole than a big gaping wound in the plastic. If your first one was too big, just cram the whole bag inside another one (much easier than scooping out that sugary mess) and make the next cut a little smaller.
Draw a thick line of icing around the perimeter of one cookie. I found it easiest to build it up like a wall, or a clay pinch pot, or an earthbag house. Really, use whatever comparison you want as long as you add about 3-4 layers of icing. The goal here is to create a nifty little reservoir to hide your time machine’s secret innards. Innocent bystanders will think you made some nice sandwich cookies worthy of being dunked in milk, but after one bite, they will be assimilated.
That reservoir is begging for some TARDISsy parts.
In a pinch, you can use whatever sprinkles you like, but for best effect, I recommend a combination of the Steampunk and Lightning Bolt Geeky Sprinkles from The Geeky Hostess. Every time the TARDIS is about to be ripped apart, it seems like electricity and gears go flying everywhere. These sprinkles let you make that happen in an innocent Whovian’s mouth.
Add a pinch of lightning bolts.
And a pinch of gears.
And a few shakes each of gold and blue sanding sugar, just for good measure.
Then gently lay a clean cookie right side up on top of the icing. Press down just a smidge before using a butter knife to clean away any excess icing. If you shake it gently, you should hear a faintly ominous rattle from inside your cookie.
You could do something boring, like stack your cookies on a serving plate, but if you added enough icing, they’re wide enough to stand upright with no support.
I say build your own Stonehenge out of TARDIS cookies arranged around a toy Pandorica. At a watch party, you can also subtly plant them somewhere in everyone else’s dishes. Put one rising up from a salad and claim it landed on a jungle world. Behind some meat? Oh, that poor alien. It never stood a chance. Hidden in the ice tray? Actually, these are delicious when frozen.
Break the sandwich cookies in half and, much like the TARDIS itself, they’ll explode with of gears, lightning bolts, and Gallifreyan life essence. Use your power wisely. Once eaten, you can’t go back in time and reboot those calories.
BUT WHAT IF I’D RATHER MAKE TARDIS INSPIRED COOKIE DOUGH ICE CREAM?
Clever girl. You can easily use a wad of your TARDIS-tastic cookie dough to fake your own Ben & Jerry’s style fancy schmancy Whovian pint.
If you own an ice cream maker, congratulations on having your third excuse this year to use it. If not, just grab a big box of your favorite brand of vanilla.
Let the ice cream soften in the fridge for about 30 minutes. Now cut the whole box into 8 smaller pieces and peel away the cardboard. Remember – you’re faking that this is an original creation. Get rid of the evidence and store the final result in airtight freezer bag.
Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Arrange your ice cream into one layer, top it with more parchment paper, and try to roll it into a single rectangle of cold dairy goodness. It’s okay to use your fingers to rip off hunks and smush it around. Try to work fast so you don’t loose too much to melting.
Once you have a rectangle of dairy, spread a thin layer of cookie dough on top.
Now for the fun part. Grab one edge and, using the parchment paper for support, gently roll the ice cream inwards. As you go, generously dust the exterior of the ice cream with sanding sugar and geeky sprinkles. This will give you an impressive ice cream spiral with a swirl of blue cookie dough on one side and a layer of TARDIS interior bits on the other. Roll this as tight as you can (and don’t skimp on the sprinkles) then wrap it all in parchment paper.
Put the parchment paper wrapped roll of ice cream in a freezer bag. Press out as much of the air as possible before sealing it up and storing it in the freezer until it’s completely hardened.
When you’re ready to serve it, cut your creation into rounds so people can see the full glory of your swirling vortex of tastiness. If you’re feeling extra fancy, garnish each portion with a leftover TARDIS cookie.
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Meanwhile, preview these tasty morsels from Dining With the Doctor: Regenerated – Click here to for pre-order!
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