If you need to rescue your true love but that pesky “being nearly dead” is getting in the way, take a couple of these and before you know it, you’ll be ready to storm the castle. Or at least watch and quip while your friends do the storming.

Miracle Max’s Chocolate Coated Mostly Dead Pills

2 18 oz boxes chocolate cake mix
1 16 oz tub chocolate frosting, softened
½ cup Kahlua or coffee flavored liqueur
16 oz melting chocolate
¼ cup white chocolate shavings or candied orange peel (optional)

We all know good medicine has an alcohol tincture and some herbal ingredients. Here at Miracle Max’s, we also coat it in chocolate to make it go down better.

To make your reviving pills, start by baking both boxes of cake mix according to the package directions. No need to fancy them up or make them look particularly pretty. Why’s that? Because once both cakes have cooled, you’re going to attack them like a certain witch of a wife, with her nagging and her picking, but mostly, with her fingers. Be careful! If you rip up warm cakes, you get burned fingers. If you want to do something right, wait until they cool.

Once you have a big bowl of cooled cake scraps, add the softened chocolate frosting and the coffee liqueur. If you’re not a fan of coffee, you can always substitute an orange flavored liqueur. Don’t waste the Blue Curacao, though. Sure, it looks impressive going into the bowl, but it won’t make your pills magically glow with a radiant inner blue light.

Now that everything’s all wet and messy, dig in there with your fingers and really work the cake into the frosting and liqueur. Keep at it until you have a dense, sticky batter that makes your pancreas quiver in fear.

Roll the pills up into balls no bigger around than a quarter. This is medicine, after all. Each dose should be small enough to fit on a spoon.

Put all the pills in your fridge for about an hour so they harden up like a bitter old loveless heart.

Right before you take them out, melt the chocolate according to package directions. The stuff at my market simply has you add it to a microwave safe bowl, nuke for 15 seconds, stir, nuke for another 15 seconds, and repeat until everything is smooth and melty. If you’re confused, find a highly educated Corsican to interpret the directions for you, though make sure those words mean what he thinks they mean.

Using two spoons, dunk each pill in the melted chocolate, roll it around until coated, then scoop it out and lay it on a clean sheet of parchment paper or aluminum foil that’s been spritzed with nonstick spray. Keep this up until you run out of pills.

Sprinkle the pills with some shaved white chocolate if they’re laced with coffee flavored liqueur or finely minced candied orange peel if you went for a fruitier route. You can eat them right away or put them in the fridge to harden. They’ll stay good in there for up to 3 days.

Once you’re revived enough to make it all the way to your true love’s door, make sure to avoid strenuous activities for at least 24 hours. We’re sure they’ll understand.