Enjoying Starfleet Academy’s Horta Meatloaf (Probably) Doesn’t Count as Cannibalism

Kitchen Overlord Horta Meatloaf

Yesterday we taunted you with a Vulcan Vegetarian dish suspiciously propped against what looked like a Horta. Today, we reveal that our labs have deconstructed the silicon based lifeform of Janus VI and reconstructed it in a delicious, organic form you can serve your entire family. Some people protested that our techniques skirt Federation Regulations against eating sentient creatures. Luckily, those people shut up when we gave them a life sized sculpture of themselves made entirely from gold pressed latinum, so enjoy!

Starfleet Academy Cafeteria’s Horta Meatloaf

1 1/2 pounds ground beef
3 carrots, grated
1 medium onion, finely chopped
1 pint mushrooms, minced
1 cup Italian seasoned breadcrumbs
2 eggs
4 cloves garlic, minced
2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp fresh ground pepper
1 tsp kosher salt
1/2 tsp ground sage
1/2 tsp mustard powder
1 cup ketchup
1 slice cheddar cheese

Start by building your Horta’s internal organs. Mince your mushrooms, finely chop your onions, and use the fine grain of your box grater to shred your carrots. Don’t ask which vegetables represent the kidneys. Hortas are a mysterious race.

Horta Meatloaf Instructions

Add your minced garlic, Worcestershire, salt, pepper, sage, mustard powder, and 1/2 cup of ketchup. You should end up with an organic slurry that still somehow looks like it belongs inside an animated rock. Good job. Now add in the eggs. They act like the cement gluing all your Horta’s parts together. Finally, add in the meat and breadcrumbs.

Knead everything together until your Horta is a uniform, rocky mass.

Horta Meatloaf Instructions

Arrange the Horta into a half-dome shape. A Horta’s surface is covered in rocky protrusions, so use your fingers to sculpt golf ball size knobs across the creature’s surface.

Use both a spoon and your fingers to spread the remaining ketchup into all the sunken crevices you created on your Horta’s rocky skin. Some dark, round sections should stick up past the red.

Horta Meatloaf Instructions

Bake the Horta at 400˚ F for 50 minutes.

You want to use a wide dish with lots of room for your Horta’s precious life fluids to leak out while it bakes. Most people let that stuff solidify then have it transported out of their homes, but confidentially, it’s perfect for leftovers. Heat a little leftover meatloaf grease in a skillet, fry up an egg, and put that on top of a slice of reheated Horta on sourdough. Your arteries may hate me, but your tongue will thank me.

While your Horta undergoes it’s baking transformation, cut your cheddar into thin slices. As soon as it comes out of the oven, carefully arrange the cheese in mineable veins winding through the Horta’s sunken areas. If you use real cheese, it will start melting into the surface quickly. Luckily, fake, plastic cheese doesn’t change shape. Go ‘Merica! Use a toothpick to gently blend the cheese-like-product into the baked ketchup.

Serve with Romulan Ale, Klingon Blood Wine, or a simple cup of Earl Grey, hot.

Starfleet Stuffed Insignia - Kitchen Overlord


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Need more Star Trek Recipes?

KO_StarTrek header

Horta Meatloaf
Vulcan Vegan Keema Stuffed Starfleet Insignia
Klingon Blood Orange Pull Apart Bread
Icoberry Torte
Starfleet Hamantaschen
Captain Picard’s Earl Grey Tea-Rimisu
Pain d’Enterprise
Roasted Tribbles
Sisko’s Speedy Gumbo

 

11 comments

  • If I tell myself the reason nice champagne costs so much is because it’s really infused with synthehol, can I drink the whole bottle alone with no shame?

    Like

    • Chris-Rachael Oseland

      Talk to Quark. He has some cheaper things you can drink with both no shame AND no hangover. I’ll hold onto that champagne for you while you hunt him down.

      Like

  • Umm, but, I am suddenly shuddering some stomach trepidation.

    Like

    • Chris-Rachael Oseland

      Relax. If you REALLY want to scare your stomach, go check out some of the Ridley Scott Aliens recipes. :D

      Like

      • HAHAHAHA :) Perhaps because I have deep antipathy towards meat loaf. Although, the Hortas themselves are cute. I wish they were cake.

        Like

        • Chris-Rachael Oseland

          Most geek cooking websites are nothing but desserts, so I try to make the majority of my recipes savory. You never know when you’ll need to throw a Star Trek/Zombie Apocalypse/Hobbit Dinner Party. Wait. Yes you do. But you, sir, need a Horta cake, and I, as your Kitchen Overlord, shall comply.

          SUPER EASY HORTA CAKE

          1 box chocolate fudge cake mix
          1 tub chocolate icing
          2 tubs cream cheese icing
          1 box food coloring (you’ll want the red and yellow bottles.)
          1 cup silver sixlets candy (optional)

          Make the chocolate fudge cake according to package directions. Now crumble it up and mix in the chocolate icing. (Yes, these are the same directions for making cake balls.)

          Once you have a fudgy mess, shape it into a Horta.

          Go wash your hands.

          Mix the entire squirter bottle of yellow food coloring into one tub of cream cheese icing. Mix the red into the second tub.

          Once the icing is properly colored, use your fingers to smear it along the surface of your Horta cake to create the yellow and red pustules.

          Wash your hands again. You’re a mess.

          If you picked up any silver sixlets from a craft store, messily spill them at the base of your Horta cake so it’ll look like she’s protecting her eggs.

          This is best eaten by telling your Klingon friends she’s still alive in there then timing how long it takes for them to dive in, nose first, searching for her still beating heart. Okay, maybe not the BEST way to eat it, but certainly the most amusing.

          Like

  • Ok, I have to ask: what did you use for the Horta eggs?

    Like

    • Chris-Rachael Oseland

      The eggs were actually the inspiration for the recipe!

      They’re just cheap silver Sixlets candy. You can get them at most craft stores in the cake decorating section, at the kind of candy stores that sell M&M’s in individual colors, or from Amazon.

      I hope that helps!

      Like

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