Enjoying Starfleet Academy’s Horta Meatloaf (Probably) Doesn’t Count as Cannibalism

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Kitchen Overlord Horta Meatloaf

Yesterday we taunted you with a Vulcan Vegetarian dish suspiciously propped against what looked like a Horta. Today, we reveal that our labs have deconstructed the silicon based lifeform of Janus VI and reconstructed it in a delicious, organic form you can serve your entire family. Some people protested that our techniques skirt Federation Regulations against eating sentient creatures. Luckily, those people shut up when we gave them a life sized sculpture of themselves made entirely from gold pressed latinum, so enjoy!

Starfleet Academy Cafeteria’s Horta Meatloaf

1 1/2 pounds ground beef
3 carrots, grated
1 medium onion, finely chopped
1 pint mushrooms, minced
1 cup Italian seasoned breadcrumbs
2 eggs
4 cloves garlic, minced
2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp fresh ground pepper
1 tsp kosher salt
1/2 tsp ground sage
1/2 tsp mustard powder
1 cup ketchup
1 slice cheddar cheese

Start by building your Horta’s internal organs. Mince your mushrooms, finely chop your onions, and use the fine grain of your box grater to shred your carrots. Don’t ask which vegetables represent the kidneys. Hortas are a mysterious race.

Horta Meatloaf Instructions

Add your minced garlic, Worcestershire, salt, pepper, sage, mustard powder, and 1/2 cup of ketchup. You should end up with an organic slurry that still somehow looks like it belongs inside an animated rock. Good job. Now add in the eggs. They act like the cement gluing all your Horta’s parts together. Finally, add in the meat and breadcrumbs.

Knead everything together until your Horta is a uniform, rocky mass.

Horta Meatloaf Instructions

Arrange the Horta into a half-dome shape. A Horta’s surface is covered in rocky protrusions, so use your fingers to sculpt golf ball size knobs across the creature’s surface.

Use both a spoon and your fingers to spread the remaining ketchup into all the sunken crevices you created on your Horta’s rocky skin. Some dark, round sections should stick up past the red.

Horta Meatloaf Instructions

Bake the Horta at 400˚ F for 50 minutes.

You want to use a wide dish with lots of room for your Horta’s precious life fluids to leak out while it bakes. Most people let that stuff solidify then have it transported out of their homes, but confidentially, it’s perfect for leftovers. Heat a little leftover meatloaf grease in a skillet, fry up an egg, and put that on top of a slice of reheated Horta on sourdough. Your arteries may hate me, but your tongue will thank me.

While your Horta undergoes it’s baking transformation, cut your cheddar into thin slices. As soon as it comes out of the oven, carefully arrange the cheese in mineable veins winding through the Horta’s sunken areas. If you use real cheese, it will start melting into the surface quickly. Luckily, fake, plastic cheese doesn’t change shape. Go ‘Merica! Use a toothpick to gently blend the cheese-like-product into the baked ketchup.

Serve with Romulan Ale, Klingon Blood Wine, or a simple cup of Earl Grey, hot.

Starfleet Stuffed Insignia - Kitchen Overlord


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