The Noshing Dead: PalmiEARS
Hot Asian Dude told me about this time when the Crossbow Toting Underwear Model walked through a herd of zombies with raw squirrel jerky stuck in his teeth and a necklace of zombie ears wrapped around his neck.
I tried to convince Steve to take my second best knife and grab us some ears the next time we shove him through the door. He started screaming that Benjamin Franklin would’ve found a Steampunk solution to our problems then tried to attack the fuse box with some swords he made from lasagna noodles. There’s a reason Steve is our first choice for these survival experiments.
Since we don’t have a fistfull of zombie ears to string into a necklace, I decided to make my own. They’re just a quick and dirty mashup of puff pastry, sugar, cinnamon, and butter, but I’m going to tell Steve they’re a made from a mysterious bready concoction invented by Nikola Tesla.
If you’re ready to pretend you’re a badass, you only need four ingredients to make your own zombie ear necklace.
2 sheets thawed puff pastry
½ cup butter, melted
½ cup sugar
2 tbsp cinnamon
Congrats on having electricity. Instead of using it to send messages to fellow apocalypse survivors, flagrantly waste the power by preheating your oven to 350F.
While the oven preheats, unfold your puff pastry sheets.
Melt the butter and spread it evenly on both sheets.
Now spread each buttered puff pastry with half the sugar and cinnamon.
Here’s the moderately tricky part. When you make normal Palmiers, you roll each side of the puff pastry towards the middle so you have two evenly sized spirals connected by a tasty dough membrane. Ears aren’t shaped like that, though. Instead, you want to roll one side so it takes up ⅔ of the dough and the other side so it only uses ⅓ of the dough. That way you’ll get the nice shell of an upper ear with the narrowed question mark of the lower ear. Feel free to stare at your friends ears as you struggle to come up with better metaphors. They won’t consider that suspiciously creepy at all.
Once you’re satisfied with your rolling, cut the long tube of dough into 2 inch thick slices.
Put the slices on a well buttered cookie sheet 2-3 inches apart. Much like an aging man, they need room to spread.
Bake at 350F for 10-12 minutes, or until the ears are the golden brown shade of white people who enjoy tanning a little too much.
Let the cookies cool completely. When they’re the texture of distressingly cold zombie ears, string them through a length of kitchen twine in order to make a disturbingly edible necklace. Make sure to knot the twine behind each ear so they don’t all bunch up in the middle.
In an ideal world, you’ll drape this over the neck of your own Crossbow Toting Underwear Model. In reality, splash your unsavory victim of choice with a little shrimp cocktail sauce, toss the PalmiEARS necklace on him, and shove him at the zombies while you run in the opposite direction. No one’s going to judge you. Much.
Other Kitchen Overlord Halloween Recipes:
Bloody Banana Guts
Red Velvet Cheesecake Dip
Sausage Stuffed Pastry Guts
Merle Dixon’s Edible Arm
Red Wine Poached Pear Shoulders
Bloody Beet Flesh
Ethiopian Zombie Wot
Walking Dead Post Apocalyptic Dandelion Green and Walnut Pesto
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