Hello, Minions. Apparently, you don’t find the nightly Thunderdome battles or Vogon poetry recitals as entertaining as I do. As a busy overlord who can’t be bothered to think too heavily about your needs, I let Loot Crate send me a random selection of things they assure me you’ll like.
This month’s Loot Crate started out with a cruel taunt. Sure, the Batman figure looks cool, but it will only serve as a reminder that no matter how many animal symbols you beam into the clouds, no one is coming to save you. Well, no one except Paul, but he runs screaming and naked through the halls screaming “the worm turned” whenever we need to baste the meat vat, so you really shouldn’t get your hopes up.
Next came a mystery box. I hoped it would contain a horrifying miniature eyeless clown, but instead it appeared to be full of the sort of gold coins that let you level up in most games. These ones tasted like chocolate instead of Mario’s preferred game snack of cocaine.
You stylish minions who want to impress a lady with your 8-bit mastery were offered a bow tie.
While I approve of the cable tie ninja and am always amused by things with my name on them, the Nintendo magazine subscription seemed bemusingly cruel. Hey, gamers! Are you looking forward to the X-Box One or the PS4? Too bad. You get a Nintendo magazine subscription.
For the fidgeters among you, they included a papercraft Iron Man. Beware his perforated might.
They also included a set of whimsical eyes and smiles that were perfect additions to the experiments in subbasement Lab #4. Just keep telling yourself nothing with that kind of kooky smile would ever hurt you.
My personal favorite was the Hitchhiker’s Guide inspired tea towel. Keep this in your bathrobe pocket along with a packet of peanuts and nothing can ever go wrong.
The contents of the box are worth considerably less than the $18 (including shipping) it costs, but in part, you’re paying for curation and surprise. Think of it like a monthly stocking filled by Geek Santa. Plus, it’s still considerably cheaper than the $29 Booty Bin.