The Noshing Dead: Red Velvet Cheesecake Dip

So far, we’ve tried to sneak past the walkers with intestines and eyes and even an entire mocked up human arm. No luck. I think I know why we failed, though. We were too clean. Sure, we had bits of guts dripping off us, but walkers are messy. They drip blood, they ooze pus, they’re pulpy.

We’ve got to become pulpy, too. It’s the only way to fool them.

Red Velvet Cheesecake Dip

2 cups Red Velvet cake mix
2 8-oz packages cream cheese, room temperature
1 cup light brown sugar
½ cup powdered sugar
½ cup butter, melted
1 tsp kosher salt
1 tsp red food coloring

I found some dubious cream cheese in the fridge plus a box of stale red velvet cake mix. This is perfect. The cream cheese will really stick while the red velvet will give the paste a flavor both the undead and Steve will want to lick off.

I live in hell.

To make yourself a pulpy cheesecake dip, start by melting the butter. Mix it with the cream cheese, brown sugar, powdered sugar, red food coloring, and salt until you get a smooth, creamy mess.

Once that’s nice and creamy, coarsen it up by mixing in the red velvet cake mix.

Back in the day, I used to form this kind of thing into a ball, pack the exterior with a nice layer of dark chocolate chips, then wrap it all up in plastic and refrigerate it overnight. Surround it with some home made short bread and people start accusing you of channeling Martha Stewart.

We don’t need a nice, firm cheesecake ball, though. We need a pulpy, fleshy mass we can paint all over our bodies. Something spreadable as well as edible. Simplify your life by spreading a layer of plastic wrap in a bowl and lumping in all the cheesecake mix. Wrap it up as tight as possible and put it in the fridge for 2-4 hours to firm up.

If you really want to fool the walkers, try spreading a thick layer of this across your chest and using it to glue down a layer of coconut biscotti ribs. You can also glue down some red velvet crepes to pass for freshly ripped skin. Really, you can fake your way through most body parts while giving the biters something tasty to chow down on. At least, that’s what I’m telling Steve.